Pleasure is the Measure

Revelations from my year of living "turned on" from pleasure mapping to erotic blueprints and how it changed my life forever

Pleasure comes in many forms | Photo by Guy Bourdin

Back in my wilder New York fashion days, I had a cheeky ritual of texting one of my besties, Jennifer, after each “rendevous”, especially when adorned in lingerie from her exquisite brand, Fleur du Mal. It’s as if the lacy, silky thing was a supporting character in my story because usually it was. We called these naughty tales, Fleur Confessionals.

Yet more than a decade later, as I reminisced about those encounters, I had to wonder, “was the actual sex any good?” Perhaps the performance outweighed the pleasure.

So in January 2023, fresh off a long healing journey with somatic therapy¹ I decided to revisit the concept of pleasure by making it one of my “chosen words” for the year. Little did I know that this challenge to myself to seek out and call in pleasure would reveal a new universe to me — and become one of the defining principles of my life.

---

---

“Pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being. It’s not about how much you crave sex, how often you have it or who you do it with or where, or in what position, or even how many orgasms you have. It’s whether or not you like the sex you are having, whether it’s genuinely pleasurable to you.”

— Sex Educator, Emily Nagoski, PhD & Author of “Come As You Are”

The biohacking nerd that I am, I wanted to test my theory that with my newly repaired nervous system, I could now access new sensations. Honestly, could I have assigned myself better homework? I think not, but keep reading and let me know.

Starting a Pleasure Practice

When we think of pleasure, we might immediately jump to sex but it actually shows up in so many other places, if you know where to look.

I began by consciously engaging with sensory experiences to cultivate feelings of joy and relaxation, while bringing an awareness to my body with the simple goal of figuring out what felt good.

Savor Each Bite

• I admire a beautiful plate of food so much that I’m known to feast on it with my eyes (and probably take a photo) before I even lift a fork. I committed to making even the most simple meal for myself something visually appealing while taking the time to savor each bite for the taste, temperature and texture, which helped activate pleasure and gratification.

Dance Like No One is Watching

• Nothing changes my mood faster than dancing to a favorite song. But, how did it make me feel? I incorporated a few minutes a day of completely letting go (aka dancing with reckless abandon) to pay attention to any sensations that arose. Scientifically, this is known as a “pleasure double play,” where music stimulates the brain’s reward system while dance activates sensory circuits.²

---

One of my favorites: Turn it up, close your eyes, move your body and really let go.

---

Be Your Own Lover

• Looking at myself through “a lover’s gaze,” built a different appreciation for my body. We are often critical of certain body parts that a lover might actually adore. Setting aside time for a self-pleasure ritual helped me explore different erogenous zones without the goal of orgasm (although it was a bonus). Not all touch needs to be sexual but it can certainly be erotic. I built in new ways to care for my body from foot massages after a bath to slowly brushing my hair before bed.

This sensory-focused practice significantly expanded my capacity for pleasure. These rituals comprised simple, daily delights that accumulated with consistency, sparking my curiosity to further explore my edges.

---

---

Be an Erotic Explorer

You didn’t think my year long journey was going to be solo expedition, did you? This is where things get really vulnerable.

As it happens, when you begin to cultivate pleasure every day, it doesn’t go unnoticed.