The Stash Box of Connection

Your brain's apothecary of feel-good drugs

Feb 27, 2023

When inclement weather, a lingering cold and client deadlines had me stuck at home for weeks, I fell into a rut of all work and no play. Feeling isolated and somewhat sedentary, each day melted into the next without much distinction — my mood plummeted, attention waned and energy dropped to an all time low.

It had me wondering: how I could hack myself back to happiness?

Intuitively I knew the answer. Ever blast your favorite song and dance with reckless abandon in your living room to shake off the blahs? It’s a quick fix and one that is rooted in your own brain chemistry. Music stimulates your reward centers while dance activates your sensory circuits.1

But I needed a stronger reset than a solo dance off and craved a more immersive remedy so I boarded a plane to Mexico City for a week of DJs, art shows and spontaneous adventure. After all, wasn’t it my biological imperative to commune with my people?

Humans are social creatures who are wired for connection.

We evolved to stay close to our tribe as a means of survival — to ensure safety, resource sharing and reproduction. However, we have biological drives for more than just mating — we also seek out peak experiences and altered states.

Group activities like dancing and singing give us a sense of belonging by activating our parasympathetic nervous system (tend and befriend) and helping us achieve a transcendent state of oneness.2 Who else has had a euphoric experience when that special song crescendos and the crowd erupts on the dance floor?

Our biology rewards our survival behavior through a suite of neurotransmitters and hormones like dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin that make us feel ripples of excitement, happiness and satisfaction as well as, on occasion, tidal waves of pleasure and bonding.

More than just a feel-good moment though, social connection is key to good health and longevity. Evidence suggests that social support and feeling connected can boost immunity, lower BMI, control blood sugar, improve cancer survival and symptoms of depression.3

Getting High on Your Own Supply

Our brains have an apothecary of feel-good chemicals that can produce sensations quite similar to the effects of “drugs.” Each of us has a proprietary blend of testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, norepinephrine, endorphins, endocannabinoids and oxytocin that all play a part in our experience of love, sex, pleasure and connection.

The brain scans of people falling in love look a lot like those of cocaine addicts fixated on their next hit. Dopamine surges to ensure we move towards our reward and oxytocin triggers pleasure to keep us there.

“It turns out that your body has all the best drugs already; we just have to learn where they’re hidden: in plain sight, in the stash box of connection.”

Julie Holland, MD (Good Chemistry: The Science of Connection from Soul to Psychedelics)

Dancing in a crowd or playing instruments together can synchronize heartbeats and even brain waves — this shared physiology can soothe, calm and promote a flow state. That’s why large scale music events can be considered “festivals of oxytocin” (even without the ingestion of drugs). The music alone can decrease stress by lowering cortisol and heart rate.

Beyond connecting in a group setting (as I realize not all of us are extroverted ravers), there are other more intimate ways to get our neurotransmitters firing to feel happiness, dampen pain, promote bonding and increase pleasure. These everyday actions are proven to support feelings of connectedness.

Laughing with a Friend (promotes empathy and builds trust, even remotely)
Playing Doubles (coordinated exercise helps regulate neurotransmitter levels)
Getting or Giving a Massage (releases endorphins and calms nervous system)
Hugging or Cuddling (aim for skin on skin contact or even petting a dog)
Having an Orgasm (releases the most oxytocin and puts us into an altered state)

Owner of a Lonely Heart

On the opposite side of connection is loneliness and, unfortunately in our society, it is a silent killer. Our bodies read loneliness as a threat and puts us in fight or flight — a vigilant survival mode not primed for pleasure, relaxation or openness. This leads to increased cardiovascular risks, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Studies show that loneliness correlates with higher rates of cognitive decline and dementia.4

The negative impact of prolonged isolation or perceived loneliness, which is a subjective feeling, is said to be similar to smoking 15 cigarettes a day and shortening one’s life span by 15 years.5

“When it comes to survival, love is just as important as food, and without it, humans fail to thrive. This is why lack of love and lack of social connection are so unbelievably detrimental to human health and predispose people to addiction, social conflicts, mental illness, and even obesity and metabolic diseases.”

Founder of Adamo Bioscience, Molly Maloof, MD (The Spark Factor)

In the US in 2021, the CDC reported 206,345 deaths from “diseases of despair,” which include suicide, drug overdoses and those related to alcohol. Increases are being attributed to the aftermath of Covid as well as fentanyl poisoning but it begs the question: what is the root case of these problems? Just as connection is essential for healthspan, it seems loneliness and hopelessness are drivers of pain, addiction and chronic illness.

Ways to connect and combat loneliness:

Invest in Relationships (having friends that make you feel secure and supported)
Less Screen Time (decreasing even by 30 minutes daily can reduce depression)
More Physical Touch (releasing endorphins and oxytocin to calm nervous system)
Avoid Alcohol (allowing for grounded connection and lowering anxiety)

Not only will more oxytocin make you feel better, it will affect how you treat others — with more trust, empathy, generosity and collaboration. It’s a powerful, psychological glue that holds us all together6 and the world could use more of it.

The take-away: reach out and touch someone, find your tribe, play often, and bask in your own pleasure chemicals. It’s good for your physical and emotional health.

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